Sunday, October 3, 2010

The 7 Most Incredible Crime Sprees Carried Out by Animals: #6. Mr.Asbo: The Swan With Anger-Management Issues

Despite being a beautiful, innocent-looking swan, this is actually one of the angriest, most vicious birds ever -- presumably the result of all the taunting he received as a fuck-ugly little duckling.

Staking his claim over an entire area of river he lived on (which can be found in Cambridge, in the UK), the swan proceeded to beat the ever-loving shit out of anything and anyone that dared try to share his water.

The local residents gave him the cute nickname of Mr. Asbo, which in the UK stands for anti-social behavior order. In the U.S. they'd just call him Mr. Let's-Get-The-Fuck-Away-From-Here-Right-Now. Mr. Asbo seems to be particularly annoyed by boats ... so it's a little unfortunate that he happens to live in a city renowned for its participation in the yearly University Boat Race. Despite the local authorities' official warning about the swan's violent behavior, rowers continued to frequent the lake and continued to be beaten up by Mr. Asbo.

The swan has tipped over entire boats before proceeding to mercilessly attack the submerged victim with his beak. And when he can't do that, he's happy to skip straight to the "mercilessly attacking someone with his beak" stage of his terror campaign, sometimes even standing on top of the vessel to increase the intimidation factor. He even learned to attack the most vulnerable part of the boat -- yes, this swan officially knows more about boating than most humans.
One rower called him "a vicious beast" and added: "I don't go past it if I am alone. ... I'm too scared". In Cambridge, the slightest quacking sound is enough to cause uncontrollable fits of panic among the population.

Turns out that Mr. Asbo was just misunderstood, though: A bird whisperer claims to have cured him of his anti-social behavior by uncovering its psychological roots. She also said, "When I was communicating telepathically first of all he portrayed a feeling of fear and being quite angry with humans." That's right. Telepathically.
Inside this woman's head, all you hear is angry quacking.

1 comment:

  1. Reminds me of the time I got robbed by a bunch of swans when I was a little kid.