Thursday, October 14, 2010

6 Things That Are Secretly Turning You Into A Bad Person: #5. Caffeine


Around 80 to 90 percent of people reading this will consume caffeine in some form today. If you're one of them, you know the drill: You feel like an extra in a zombie flick until you get your fix, and you're ready to conquer the world when it's finally coursing through your veins. Of course, you'd also know that drill if you were addicted to cocaine, heroin or any other hard drug. But your caffeine addiction isn't a problem, right?
 
She isn't about to suck that dick for an iced mocha.
 Actually, studies show that caffeine addiction can be like a tightrope walk for your sanity. One espresso shot too many on your coffee break, and you risk flying off the handle into a barely controlled rage. Skip your coffee break, and you'll find that you're just as irritable, with the added bonus of flulike symptoms. It's a vicious cycle that is starting earlier than ever, with increasing numbers of elementary school children consuming caffeine each year.
 
 
 That's because caffeine actually amplifies your stress level. The same properties that make you feel five different shades of alright in normal quantities can easily push you right past that jittery feeling until you're having a nervous breakdown for no goddamned reason. This happens because your body doesn't know what's making your heart race. It could be a second cup of coffee or a masked gunman. All it knows is that when your heart starts freaking out like this, that usually means it's go time.

So it starts pumping stress hormones into the feedback loop now racing back and forth between your brain and your heart. Next thing you know, that inconsequential email you were just going to dash off to the boss has suddenly become the most important thing you've ever done. You'd think that your brain would put the brakes on at this point, but unfortunately it's too busy trying to figure out what you're going to do when you get fired for choosing the wrong synonym for "motivated."

Incentivized? Driven? Fuck this, I quit!
So that cup of coffee that's supposed to get you through the workday can also make you think the workday is impossible to get through. Then there's the fact that according to studies, everyone from teenagers to prisoners is quicker to express anger after consuming caffeine, and you've got a recipe for disaster. Lawyers have actually tried (and sometimes succeeded) in using caffeine intoxication as a defense for murder and running people over. The U.S. Army even recognizes its very anger-inducing effects.
 
Still not as crazy as the "Twinkie Defense."
 Before you decide to quit the caffeine habit once and for all, you should know that you're still going to be an asshole. At least for a few months, anyway. Caffeine is a drug, and you get withdrawal symptoms from it just like anything else that's addictive. When an alcoholic wakes up in the morning with the shakes and pours himself a highball, we judge him but how many of you can't function in the morning before your cup (or three) of coffee? Those withdrawal symptoms can then lead to ... you guessed it: high irritability, quickness to anger, depression, and anxiety if you have even one less serving of caffeine a day.

33 comments:

  1. I dont drink coffee. But I sometimes drink Red Bull, and other soft drinks.
    When I start to feel tired or slow down, I usually eat something proper. Like some banans, or maybe chocolate. Those give me a bit of a boost.

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  2. I only drink caffeine once a week. If I'm lucky and we decide to go out for a meal, I like to grab a soda, but the stuffs not allowed in the house, and I can't stand coffee.

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  3. My father loves coffee, I think he may have a problem

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  4. oh no, i can't give up my coffee!

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  5. Caffeine? Turning me into a bad person? Blasphemy!

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  6. Yay! I am one of the select few that doesn't drink caffeine!
    Coffee tastes like warm crap, why would anyone drink it!??!

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  7. Happy to say I dont drink cofee... only a coke once in a while.

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  8. caffeine has no effect on me apart from a severe depression, like an instant crash, so i steer clear of it, well except the odd cup of tea

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  9. I wouldn't say I'm addicted. I used to drink coffee when I had a job once a morning. Same routine every morning. When I got laid off, it didn't phase me to not have it anymore.

    I drink a lot of tea now though...

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  10. Guilty on the caffeine part. Needs moar caffeine!

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  11. I've heard that the caffeine in tea is different from the caffeine in energy drinks and sodas. I want to look into it but can never really find any information on it. Tea (green or white) is so good for you that I think it's worth the caffeine that comes with it in order to get all those antioxidants.

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  12. quite a following you have amassed.

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  13. lol, i will admit to a degree i am dissencitized, still a perfectly normal person, but fu you, i'll be who i want to be :P

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  14. fuck you i love my mountain dew
    just kidding
    i don't drink enough to spaz out

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  15. I am not dependent to caffeine, i'm addicted to music :D

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  16. Caffeine: The REAL gateway drug.

    People need to realize that.

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  17. So THAT was the reason all this time? lol

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  18. I'm trying to stop drinking coffee, but I just need it in the morning

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  19. Oh no no no, talk about me all you want but leave my caffeine out of this! lol

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  20. These things I was already aware of..

    It's just that... caffeine.. is just soo good..

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  21. All I do is eat to much..not to fat though.. very out of shape however :D

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  22. I can sleep liek other times atrer drinkin' coffee.
    It's a drug by the way, iz a stimulant.

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  23. I'm ilikeicecream and I'm a coffe addict

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