6 Things That Are Secretly Turning You Into A Bad Person: #5. Caffeine

 

Around 80 to 90 percent of people reading this will consume caffeine in some form today. If you're one of them, you know the drill: You feel like an extra in a zombie flick until you get your fix, and you're ready to conquer the world when it's finally coursing through your veins. Of course, you'd also know that drill if you were addicted to cocaine, heroin or any other hard drug. But your caffeine addiction isn't a problem, right?

 

She isn't about to suck that dick for an iced mocha.

 Actually, studies show that caffeine addiction can be like a tightrope walk for your sanity. One espresso shot too many on your coffee break, and you risk flying off the handle into a barely controlled rage. Skip your coffee break, and you'll find that you're just as irritable, with the added bonus of flulike symptoms. It's a vicious cycle that is starting earlier than ever, with increasing numbers of elementary school children consuming caffeine each year.

 

 

 That's because caffeine actually amplifies your stress level. The same properties that make you feel five different shades of alright in normal quantities can easily push you right past that jittery feeling until you're having a nervous breakdown for no goddamned reason. This happens because your body doesn't know what's making your heart race. It could be a second cup of coffee or a masked gunman. All it knows is that when your heart starts freaking out like this, that usually means it's go time.

So it starts pumping stress hormones into the feedback loop now racing back and forth between your brain and your heart. Next thing you know, that inconsequential email you were just going to dash off to the boss has suddenly become the most important thing you've ever done. You'd think that your brain would put the brakes on at this point, but unfortunately it's too busy trying to figure out what you're going to do when you get fired for choosing the wrong synonym for "motivated."

Incentivized? Driven? Fuck this, I quit!

So that cup of coffee that's supposed to get you through the workday can also make you think the workday is impossible to get through. Then there's the fact that according to studies, everyone from teenagers to prisoners is quicker to express anger after consuming caffeine, and you've got a recipe for disaster. Lawyers have actually tried (and sometimes succeeded) in using caffeine intoxication as a defense for murder and running people over. The U.S. Army even recognizes its very anger-inducing effects.

 

Still not as crazy as the "Twinkie Defense."

 Before you decide to quit the caffeine habit once and for all, you should know that you're still going to be an asshole. At least for a few months, anyway. Caffeine is a drug, and you get withdrawal symptoms from it just like anything else that's addictive. When an alcoholic wakes up in the morning with the shakes and pours himself a highball, we judge him but how many of you can't function in the morning before your cup (or three) of coffee? Those withdrawal symptoms can then lead to ... you guessed it: high irritability, quickness to anger, depression, and anxiety if you have even one less serving of caffeine a day.